Attuning-How to tune into what your child is really saying
You try to help your child but they just cry or scream. You tell your kids the same message or direction only to get no response. You cannot figure out what is causing this disconnection. Attuning could be the reason behind the meltdowns, arguments and tears, and not just your child’s.
Attuning is knowing how to tune into your child. It is being able to notice, hear and understand, and then follow that with a response. When I was growing up, we would tune our radio to listen to Blazer games. It took some adjusting to get a signal that you could clearly hear and understand. Attuning is the same thing. It is knowing how to tune into the signals your child is sending out and understanding what that means.
Kids seem very verbal, some seem to never stop talking, yet they are not very good with verbal communication. Many children and teens rely more on nonverbal communication. A child will sense if things are off. They might not be able to explain what made them scared, but they can tell you they are scared. A teen might be able to tell what took place but not why they felt it was rude or mean. This is because they are picking up on the 75% of what is not being said. Body language, facial expression and tone of voice often have a greater impact than the actual words. For example, take the word hey. You can use different tones of voice and facial expression to make it kind, rude or a command.
I Attune
So how do you attune? I start by observing. That might sound easy, but we often add interpretations at the same time. An observation would merely be the description of what is said or done. EX: Jim walked to his shelf grabbed a book, turned and threw it across the room while looking directly at me. This could be a child showing anger at books, reading, you or something else completely. What is clear is Jim is upset and showing it. He might be able to tell you why or might not.
In such a setting I would coach a parent to become the sports caster who does the play by play. “You seem mad and threw a book from the shelf.” I wouldn’t coach a parent to fix or stop the feeling. I would stay there to see if the child acknowledges those feelings or actions. You are there to first help them regulate and increase their awareness of their feelings. Later I would address the behavior that throwing things when mad or upset is not the right choices but provide ways to show or process those feelings in an appropriate way. It starts as a science in observing but then moves to an art form in how to respond. (if you want more I do provide parent coaching)
They Attune
Kids naturally attune from a young age. You see it when a toddler comes to check on a crying infant or pats the back of another crying toddler. They sense and see something is wrong and try to comfort or connect. That is also what they need from the adult. When an adult shares what they see “you are crying and running away,” they can match up to what you just shared. A child might agree or even correct but both are letting you and the child tune into a deeper language. That deeper connection feels so good and is a crucial step for addressing the problem or situation. Even in older kids and teens, having someone share that they see what is happening and the emotions that go with it, brings comfort and sense of safety.