Being a solid resource for your Teenager.
Your teen knows what you believe. They know how you think. They can tell me what you will say in most every situation. However, they are NOT entirely sure yet what THEY believe. Your job is to help them. If you are constantly telling them what to do or giving them a consequence you are not helping them; you are doing exactly what they expected. When they did what they did they already knew what you believed about it and did it anyway. Helping them to think and process their thoughts will help them to think through the consequences to their actions. Remember you got to what you believe through some really stupid mistakes. Which is of course what you don’t want them repeating. But the reality is that they are going to sometimes.
If you want to be in the position of knowing what is really going on with him/her you are going to need to take the risk and live in the reality that regardless of what you say they are old enough to figure out a way to do what they want to do anyway. You ultimately can not prevent them 100% of the time. Even though I know most of you agree with me on this statement your parenting does not show it. You still attempt to prevent them in every way possible out of your own fear of the mistakes you’ve made and quite frankly what we all know is good common sense. You’re not stupid you love them!
They know you don’t want them to have sex. They know you don’t want them to do drugs. They know that you want them to get good grades. They know you just want them to talk to you. They know you love them. They know you want the best for them. They know they disappoint you sometimes.
They want to hold on to your acceptance which is why they just don’t tell you when they actually do any of these things. So when you catch them and freak out they “knew it.” However, what they don’t always know is what is going on in your heart! The pain you have that you would have liked to help them. They don’t always get to experience that tenacious love you feel toward them after you catch them. You know that kind of love that remains unquestioned toward them even when you are yelling at them and is indeed WHY you are yelling.
Let them experience that love FIRST through the tenacity to trust them to organize their own beliefs and actions. Let’s say that you hear that your 15 year old daughter’s friend Sarah is having a party and their will be no adult supervision. Let’s further say that your daughter doesn’t know you know and asks you, “can I go to Sarah’s house for the night?” Normally you might just say “No” or “I heard she’s having a party with no adults present so yeah right.” Instead try, “We both know that no matter what I say it will be you choosing or not choosing to go to Sarah’s.” To which she might say, “what? Just tell me if I have permission or not.” You could say, “Look you are getting to the age that you are making more of the decisions for you life than I am on a daily basis. I don’t want to be your consequence giver I have to acknowledge that your real life consequences will do a better job with you than me and will be inevitable no matter if I give you permission or not. So let’s talk this out and you can tell me what you are going to do.”
She might be skeptical and say, “ok whatever.” Just give her what you know, “I heard from another parent that Sarah’s parents will not be at the house tonight and there will be no supervision. Of course as a parent that makes me nervous, but I could tell you ‘no’ and you could just sneak out anyway or be cold and nasty for the whole weekend. So let me ask you a question, what are your thoughts about going over?”
She might say, “that I shouldn’t go over because it’s irresponsible.” To which a good response would be, “I said what are YOUR thoughts not what are MY thoughts! Be honest with me. You have to have some sense to believe you can be handle it. So what are you thoughts?”
This might be the first time she begins to realize that you actually might be serious. You may actually get a piece of what she is really thinking. Although she will still be expecting that you will likely still “lay the hammer down” at some point. The idea I am suggesting is that you need to tenaciously trust that all the parenting you have been doing which your teen already knows about is ON their heart. Now it is your job to help them USE it and for you to stop using it for them! This helps it to be IN their heart. So let’s continue with this plausible conversation…
She says, “well there are only going to be a couple people there and they are good kids, you would like them actually!”
“Is that what you are planning on then?”
“what do you mean?”
“Well what are your thoughts about going if there were to end up being more kids over there? I mean I am just your parent and I heard about the party!”
“Sarah said she only invited these two people. Even if more people show up it would still be fine because we would just say they couldn’t come in.”
“Well I guess if one person comes up to the door that might be easier but what if two or more people show up at once? It could be difficult turning them away especially if you know them well or they seem ‘fine.’ I have to admit that I was hoping to hang out with you tonight and watch the movie we were talking about!” Giving an alternative choice is always a good idea as it can give them an easier ‘out’ with peer pressure. As the conversation continues the idea is to take him/her seriously and engage them in reality. Help them to think. There is a logical conclusion to be drawn with every thought they put forward. Let them be the judge and you be the facilitator because they already see you clearly as judge but not as clearly as facilitator. They need you and your experience! You do this kind of thing with your friends already. This is not the same but it’s closer to the idea of the kind of process I am describing.
At the end you might say, “well I appreciate being a part of your process. Please tell me what you decide so I can know how to plan. Obviously I will worry if you go. Also remember that if the police do get involved I will not pick you up from Jail you will sit the night out there. I will not pay any fines you accrue nor any monies associated with this decision because it is not my decision it is your decision.” Good luck out there! Raising a teen is HARD. They seem to change overnight and you seemingly are expected to grieve the loss of your child while your teenager is standing in front of you posturing as if to say “get over it!” Remember all of the experts say that as parents we just have to be “good enough!” That’s definitely NOT perfect!
I am also not saying that you remove structure from your home. I am saying that you have to honestly begin to deal with the reality that there comes a point when life is a better teacher of consequence than you. Here is a good way to think about your relationship with your teen with you as a resource vs. you as judge. When they are 13 you are 20% resource 80% judge; 14= 40% resource 60% judge; 15=60%resource 40% judge; 16=75% resource 25% judge; 17=90% resource 10% judge; 18=100% resource. So see you are both learning your new jobs as they grow up!